Torchwood IM's

[Gwen Cooper]

This is what happens when you and your best friend are bored at work. Lynda and I wrote some IC IM’s. We hope you enjoy and comments are love.


Part One

GWEN has entered the conversation

GWEN: Whatchya doing?

IANTO: That thing we actually get paid to do…work.

GWEN: Hush, you!
GWEN: I’m working.
GWEN: A bit.
GWEN: I’m bored and I think Jack’s napping.

IANTO: You think?
IANTO: Jack never naps.
IANTO: Wait, is he snoring?

GWEN: brb

IANTO: kk

GWEN: The door is shut and his head is down on the desk.
GWEN: Let’s skive off for pastries. ; )

IANTO: Cant. Working.

GWEN: You suck! Anyways, Himself is awake.

IANTO: What’s he doing?

GWEN: Typing

IANTO: Damn! I’d hoped he had finally decided to get his paperwork completed so I could sort them.

GWEN: Hey, you work too bloody hard.
GWEN: You should go out with Rhys some night.

IANTO: You mean go out with a group of guys, doing guy things…in public? Pole dancing may be involved?

GWEN: Lord, I hope not! : P
GWEN: Nah, just Rhys and his friends doing a pub crawl, talking rugby and getting pissed.

IANTO: Which friends?

GWEN: Daff, Daffyd, and Banana

IANTO: You almost had me till Banana.

GWEN: He’s an idiot but he’s not that bad.

IANTO: What does Rhys think about you inviting me to crash his night?

GWEN: It was his idea. Besides, you need to get out. Get away for a bit.

IANTO: You mean out of Jack’s back pocket?

GWEN: I do fear for your safety if he should stop short ; )

IANTO: HAHA…not funny.

JACK: Actually, it really was funny.

IANTO: You’ve been hiding in our chat?

GWEN: Jack, that’s horrible!

JACK: Hey, I wouldn’t have bothered until someone used the word ‘skive’. Remember the Keyword Alerts?

GWEN: You’re a bastard!

JACK: Maybe. My parents were married but by current Earth standards there is a possibility that I am.

IANTO: I reiterate, HAHA…not funny.

JACK: Are you going out with Rhys and the Good Old Boys?

GWEN: Oi, you!

IANTO: Gwen, tell Rhys I’m game.

GWEN: YAY!!!

JACK: Really?

IANTO: What, Jack? Jealous?

JACK: By no means, just didn’t take you as the pub crawl sort.

IANTO: Well, I guess I’m full of surprises.
IANTO: Gwen, still want those pastries?

GWEN: Oh, yes love! With coffee?

IANTO: Definitely.

IANTO has left the conversation.

GWEN: Why do you do that to him?

JACK: Do what?

GWEN: Make him fee like he has to defend his decisions.

JACK: Do not!

GWEN: Do too!

JACK: Do not!

GWEN: …And you’re childish.

JACK: That’s a given. I thought that my childishness was refreshing and part of my charm and appeal.

GWEN: Sometimes, Jack, and sometimes it just makes you a twat and hurtful.

JACK: Don’t you have work to do?

GWEN: Oh! Did I strike a nerve?

JACK: Work, PC Cooper!

GWEN: Yes, sir!

GWEN has left the conversation

JACK: …And only Ianto gets to call me sir.



Part Two

GWEN: Andy gave me the reports and was willing to work with us in keeping most of it out of the media.

JACK: Good, good. Now we just need to come up with a over story.

IANTO has entered the conversation.

GWEN: HAI, YANTOES!
GWEN: We could say gas leak, again.

JACK: Hey, Yan!
JACK: With all the purported gas leaks in Cardiff I’m afraid one day we’ll see Green Peace camped out on the Plas.

IANTO: HAI, GWENNIE!
IANTO: Don’t call me Yan, Jack!
IANTO: What about over exposure to ultra-violet radiation causing mass hallucinations?
IANTO: What are we talking about?

GWEN: The Lorteen Cruiser that crashed last night. We need a cover story.

JACK: Why can’t I call you Yan? Gwen called you Yantoes.
JACK: I like your idea but it doesn’t explain the crater in Penarth.

GWEN: Funny how it’s always Penarth.

IANTO: We were being silly. You weren’t.

JACK: Silly? You both misspelled ‘hi’.

GWEN: OMG! Hez like so old! ; )

IANTO: I knowz, ‘e be like, wot, 2mil oldz!

JACK: Really?

GWEN: Oh noes! Hez like so not fetch!

JACK: Fetch?

IANTO: Sorry, Gwen, no matter how many times you watch ‘Mean Girls’, fetch will never catch on.

JACK: Fetch?

GWEN: I like it.

IANTO: *headdesks*

GWEN: Yeah, well no matter how many times you say, ‘Jones, Ianto Jones’ you’ll still never be Bond!

IANTO: You wound me!

JACK: Fetch?

IANTO: ‘e is so oldz, innit tho?

GWEN: Liek, yeah!

IANTO: Ran out of ideas?

GWEN: Yeah. : P

IANTO: I AM THE WINNEST!!!

JACK: Winnest?

IANTO has left the conversation.
GWEN has left the conversation

JACK: Guys, what about the crater?



Part Three

GWEN has entered the conversation

GWEN: YANTOES!
GWEN: Yantoes, need coffee!
GWEN: PWEEEEZEEE!!!

IANTO: Really, Gwen?
IANTO: I’m busy in the Archives.
IANTO: Starbucks isn’t far.
IANTO: I’ll lend you a fiver.

GWEN: Starbucks
GWEN: Are you well?

IANTO: I’m REALLY busy.

GWEN: Doing what? Have you seen Jack?
GWEN: Ianto?
GWEN: Ianto? You still there?

IANTO: Busy

GWEN: Really?

IANTO: ikfj asoieruaivvj ldkdjfwhw gajthjugghu

GWEN: What?
GWEN: Oh, bugger! You owe me a fiver!

GWEN has left the conversation.


Part Four


GWEN has entered the conversation.

IANTO: Hallo.

GWEN: I’m not speaking to you.

IANTO: …but you’re typing to me.

GWEN: I can’t believe you were chatting at me while Jack was going down on you.

IANTO: No, you were chatting at me while Jack was going down on me. I was trying to politely point out that I was busy.

GWEN: Still, Ianto!

IANTO: What was I supposed to say?
IANTO: Can’t talk.
IANTO: Getting hummer.
IANTO: brb

GWEN: Well, put that way…yes.

IANTO: yes?

GWEN: Yes. I’d have preferred the honesty. That way when Jack came back up here, looking smug and disgustingly wiping at his mouth, I could have had a witty quip.

IANTO: Witty? Quip?

GWEN: Well, I would have thought of something.

IANTO: Did he actually wipe at his mouth?

GWEN: Grinning and licking his lips, yeah.

IANTO: He is twisted.
IANTO: Incredibly gorgeous, utterly talented but twisted.

GWEN: TMI

IANTO: Right, yeah. Oh, I am so going to get his sorry arse for this.

GWEN: I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear enough for you. TMI!!!

IANTO: Right. Sorry. I just can’t believe he would be so blatant in front of you. It was like he was showing off.

GWEN: He was. I just don’t think it was how you’re taking it. I don’t think he was trying to make me jealous of you. I think he was crowing about what he has. You. He has you.
GWEN: You make him happy, Ianto.

IANTO: I just wonder, sometimes. Do I really? Do I really make him happy? He frustrates the hell ou of me but I’m happier with him and I shouldn’t be telling you this.

GWEN: S’all right, love. I won’t say anything to him but I can see his happiness in his eyes when you’re around. He adores you even if he never says so.

IANTO: Maybe. Can we talk about something else?

GWEN: Sure, love.

IANTO: What do you want for lunch?

JACK: Thai!

IANTO: BASTARD!

IANTO has left the conversation.

GWEN: I cannot believe you!

JACK: It’s all right. Angry sex. Mrawr!

GWEN: GAH!

GWEN has left the conversation.


Part Five

IANTO has entered the conversation.

JACK: …And you totally had your hand on his ass.

GWEN has entered the conversation.

JOHN: Was that his arse? I thought it was her tit!

GWEN has left the conversation.

JACK: Yeah, but that species are both male and female so you might have been but then it changed. Either way, they were pissed!

JOHN: EYE-CANDY!

GWEN has entered the conversation.

IANTO: Do not call me that, Hart!

GWEN: Hart! WTF!!

JACK: He hacked into the system and I was bored so we got to talking.

JOHN: EYE-CANDY! EYE-CANDY! EYE-CANDY! EYE-CANDY! EYE-CANDY! EYE-CANDY!

IANTO: Do not call me that, Hart!

JOHN: EYE-CANDY! EYE-CANDY! EYE-CANDY! EYE-CANDY! EYE-CANDY! EYE-CANDY!

JACK: No, really, don’t call him that.

JOHN: What’ll he do? Track me down and hurt me in painful yet creative ways? Eye-Candy? Wotchya gonna do?

IANTO has left the conversation.

GWEN: He’s so stupid, Jack.

JACK: We did warn him.

JOHN: Oh, c’mon! If he could really find me don’t you think I’d be gone already?

GWEN: He took the SUV, Jack.

JACK: Figured as much.

GWEN: …And a gun.

JACK: You are soooo dead!

GWEN: The deadest!

JOHN: Piss off you two! What can Eye-Cady do to me? Honestly? Jadijrijjmutv gfvfhyuhydcde

JACK: John?

GWEN: LMAO!!!

JACK: John? You there?

JOHN: Hart is a bit…tied up at the moment.

JACK: Be nice, Ianto.

JOHN: I’ll try, sir.



Part Six

JACK has entered the conversation.

JACK: IANTO! Get your shapely, Welsh ass down to the Vaults and deal with HIM!!

THE MAN: I do believe I have already dealt with Him.

JACK: The Man?

THE MAN: I do believe I deserved a new moniker.

GWENTASTIC: I think it suits him. He did capture Hart.

JACK: Gwentastic? Are you both three?

GWENTASTIC: Maybe : P

JACK: I get Mr. Man’s name. What makes you Gwentastic?

THE MAN: She nutted Hart when he tried to cop a feel.

JACK: Gwen! He tried to grope you?

GWENTASTIC: Nope! He tried to grab Yantoes wedding tackle and so I pulled Young Nasty Man around and kneed him in the family jewels.

THE MAN: Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!!

JACK: You’ve been discussing this long enough to turn it into a comic book series?

THE MAN: You can have a new name, too.

GWENTASTIC: …And a cape.

THE MAN: …And a side-kick!

JACK: No, I’ve already got two of those.

GWENTASTIC: Jerk!

THE MAN: The Man works as no one’s side-kick!

JACK: The Man had better deal with Hart and make some coffee.

GWENTASTIC: Oooo, Yantoes coffee!

THE MAN: Et tu, Gwennie?

GWENTASTIC: But, YANTOES COFFEE!!

THE MAN has changed his name.

KING IANTO: Offering World Peace and Damn Fine Coffee!!!

JACK: King Ianto, how are you planning on dealing with Hart?

KING IANTO: Oh ye of little faith. I’m going to make him think we’ve forgotten him down there and eventually take him some food laced with Retcon. Then, when he is rightly passed out, I shall leave him in Bute Town in a dress and no memory of the last 48 hours.

GWENTASTIC: I love you!

JACK: You’re right. You’re no mere side-kick!
JACK: You’re a God!

KING IANTO: King. King Ianto. All shall love me and despair.

JACK has left the conversation.
GWENTASTIC has left the conversation.



Part Seven


GWEN has entered the conversation

KING IANTO: Quick, Gwen, hide!

GWEN: Hide?
GWEN: Ianto, what’s going on?

KING IANTO: If you don’t hide he’ll find you and I won’t be able to protect your virtue if he does.

GWEN: Who, Ianto?
GWEN: What virtue? *snorfle*
GWEN: Wait, are you drunk?

KING IANTO: Maybe.
KING IANTO: A bit.
KING IANTO: I blame HIM!

JACK: I need another hint.

KING IANTO: NOT IN THE ARCHIVES!

GWEN: Hint? Wait, are you two doing?

KING IANTO: Nekkid Hide N Seek

JACK: Hiya, Gwentastic! You playing too?

GWEN: No. Thankfully, I’m at home.

KING IANTO: Now he knows! He’ll get you next.

GWEN: Don’t worry. I have a Jack Harkness Libido Blocker.

KING IANTO: Yeah?

GWEN: Rhys.

KING IANTO: You are so literally screwed.

GWEN: HAHAHAHA…no!

KING IANTO: Well, he’s crafty. Almost a shame I let Hart go.
KING IANTO: Could have used him as a decoy.

GWEN: I thought you liked being with Jack.

KING IANTO: I do. I just HATE losing.

GWEN: ROFLMFAO!!!

KING IANTO: Can’t laugh.
KING IANTO: He’ll hear me.

GWEN: Where are you?

KING IANTO: OMG!! You’re on HIS side!

GWEN: What?

KING IANTO: If I tell you, he’ll know.

GWEN: Ianto, he’ll find you. You’re on a pc. That leaves two possible places to hide in the Hub without being seen.
GWEN: The Archives and the Tourist Office.
GWEN: Now, you just told Jack that you weren’t in the Archives, soooo…

JACK: GOTCHYA!!!

KING IANTO: You Evil Bitch!

GWEN: I’ll leave you boys to it. Jack, I expect a full Welsh breakfast in the morning as gratitude.

GWEN has left the conversation


(This is it for now. We thought they were funny but we’re also twisted on the inside. If you liked it we maybe persuaded to do more.)

[Lt Hollie Saunders]

OMFG BRILLIANT!!!!!

more, more! hi-larious! although i wont dispute your more than a little twisted fantastic!

[Captain John Hart]

If we can we'll work on more today. I have some ideas with Owen and Tosh in the past and maybe even a prank war. Mwahahaha!

We're in daycare. It gets boring after awhile.

[Captain Jack Harkness]

(Lynda and I have struck once more. It's a long one! We are sick. It’s all right, we know. Enjoy!)

((Yes, it should be in military time but I couldn’t be arsed to be that technical.))

Before Lockdown
(9:26 am)

IANTO has entered the conversation

GWEN: Oh, shit!

IANTO: What did you do?

GWEN: Nothing, Ianto! I swear!
GWEN: It wasn’t me!

IANTO: JACK! >: (
IANTO: I’ll kill him!
IANTO: He’ll get instant until I die!
IANTO: No more SEX!!!

JACK: Wait, WHAT?!?

IANTO: You read that right.
IANTO: If I find out who the evil, sadistic bastard was that fed Myfanwy chocolate laxatives so that I’d have to clean pteranodon shit off of EVERY BLOODY SURFACE, that person will die!

OWEN: Can’t kill me! Already dead!
OWEN: Muahahaha!!!

IANTO: You are so very wrong!

OWEN: HAHA, Tea-Boy! Do your worst!

IANTO: My worst would be locking you up in the vaults.

OWEN: Yeah? : P

IANTO: Then I’d go and make your favourite coffee…

OWEN: Wait, I see where this is going.

IANTO: …And then I head over to that shop you like. The one that makes those bacon rolls and chocolate croissants that you love so very much.

OWEN: You SADIST!

IANTO: Then I eat them. All of them. Coffee, rolls and croissants with a fan behind me, blowing all the delectable aromas at you so you can smell what you can’t have.

OWEN: JACK DID IT!

JACK: You fink! We had a deal!

IANTO: HA! I knew it!

JACK: It was an accident

IANTO: It would have had to have been. No one is that stupid as to induce a creature like Myfanwy to defecate on EVERY BLOODY SURFACE!!!

OWEN: Remember, if you kill him, he’ll come back.

GWEN: Don’t help, Owen!
GWEN: Besides, you’re the one that gave it to Jack in the first place.

OWEN: You cow! We had a deal!

TOSHIKO: No, you ad a deal with me. Apparently your short term memory is going as well.

GWEN: Muahahaha!

IANTO: So, let me get this straight, you all knew what was going to happen? Not a one of you felt the need to inform me? I could have let her out. She could have shat all over Cardiff and not EVERY BLOODY SURFACE!!!
IANTO: Instant for all of you!
IANTO: Except Owen! He gets to help clean pteranodon shit.

IANTO has left the conversation

JACK: Do you think he’s serious?

TOSHIKO: I believe he is very serious. He just left the Tourist Office and I’m tracking him on CCTV to the Tesco.

OWEN: We are so fucked.


~*~


U.N.I.T. Report 92769-TW03/42

The following Instant Message transcripts were taken from the Torchwood Three mainframe computer. They were written during the three days that the Hub was placed in ‘Unexplained’ Lockdown.

Captain Jack Harkness, the leader of Torchwood Three during the lockdown has yet to come forth with the exact reasons for the whole Hub to be placed in lockdown facilitating the need for U.N.I.T. to be called in for assistance.

Gwen Cooper, Doctor Owen Harper, Toshiko Sato and Ianto Jones are also being unreasonably uncooperative in this matter.

U.N.I.T. Operative Doctor Martha Jones has also been questioned on this incident as her name has been mentioned multiple times within the Instant Messages.

Our investigations against the Torchwood Three employees have come up with the following conclusions. The members of Torchwood Three had been drugged and/or possibly infected by an alien. We are strongly in favour of their being hallucinogenic involved as Doctor Harper, as well as other members of the Torchwood Three team, refer to him as being deceased. We believe these are either threats against his life or a role he was playing in a charade.

There were also many cases of depravity and are awaiting the results of the sexual harassment charges against Captain Harkness.

We believe they were using computers, laptops and PDA’s to converse as some of the conversations are in very questionable locations. Their obvious disdain toward this organization is also very evident.

Further investigations are needed.

DAY ONE
(11:47 am)

TOSHIKO has entered the conversation.

GWEN: Hey!

OWEN: Sup!

IANTO: ‘Lo!

JACK: TOSHY!!!

TOSHIKO: Hello all. Owen, still not speaking to you. Jack, never call me that again.

GWEN: LMAO

TOSHIKO: Not funny, Gwen.

OWEN: Why aren’t you speaking to me?
OWEN: What did I do?

TOSHIKO: Not sure just yet but the Hub didn’t go into lockdown until you touched the Rift Manipulator.

OWEN: Ah, no.
OWEN: I was walking toward the Rift Manipulator when it sparked and the Hub went into lockdown.

TOSHIKO: I’m still not speaking to you.

JACK: Ianto?

IANTO: Yes, sir?

JACK: Check the supplies. The over-ride won’t work.
JACK: We may be here a while.

GWEN: Shit!

TOSHIKO: Bugger!

OWEN: Piss!

IANTO: Well, sir, we’re good on food for a few days. Medicine is good for three months. Coffee: one day.

JACK: WHAT?!?!

GWEN: SHIT!

TOSHIKO: BUGGER!

OWEN: PISS!

IANTO: I always restock on the last day of the month. It’s the last day of the month. I would have restocked this afternoon if someone hadn’t put us in lockdown.

OWEN: It’s official!
OWEN: We’re all gonna die!

GWEN: You’re already dead.

IANTO: Jack can’t die. Tosh, Gwen and I can.

JACK: Three of these things belong together…
JACK: Three of these things are kinda the same…

GWEN: Jack, tell me you aren’t singing Sesame Street.

JACK: Yes. Yes, I am.

GWEN: Sad

OWEN: HA! Gwen, you’re just as sad. You recognized it.

GWEN: I have young cousins. : P

TOSHIKO: I used to watch Mister Wizard.

OWEN: You would have.

GWEN: RHYS!

IANTO: He’s not here.

GWEN: He’ll be so worried.

JACK: Don’t worry. An emergency protocol email was set to Martha. She’ll contact Rhys.

TOSHIKO: Not that I’m complaining but why not UNIT?

JACK: Honestly, if they were in lockdown ad they called us, what do you think we would do?

IANTO: Take advantage and play with their toys.

JACK: Exactly! Ianto gets a biscuit.

IANTO: We’re out of biscuits. I order them with the coffee.

GWEN: SHIT!!

TOSHIKO: BUGGER!!

OWEN: Worst Death Ever!!!

DAY ONE
(2:17 pm)

GWEN has entered the conversation.

IANTO: ‘Lo!

JACK: Hey

OWEN: Sup!

GWEN: I thought you all looked too interested in your pc’s to be doing actual work.
GWEN: Well, except Tosh.

OWEN: She began to snore 15 minutes ago.
OWEN: I’m recording it.

GWEN: You’re evil!

OWEN >; )

JACK: Ianto, please tell me we still have some coffee left.

IANTO: I could tell you, sir, but it’d be a lie.

GWEN: Oh God! No coffee?

IANTO: Not a bean.

GWEN: …but I could have sworn I smelled some a few minutes ago.

OWEN: Instant. Tosh made some out of desperation from Ianto’s punishment supply.
OWEN: Didn’t work.

JACK: Ewww, instant.

GWEN: This is madness, Jack. How much longer will we be stuck down here?

JACK: I don’t know. I don’t trust UNIT and I still haven’t heard from Martha.
JACK: Make the best of it.
JACK: I am ; )

GWEN: Rhys is probably going insane.

OWEN: I’m going insane.

IANTO: You have always been insane.

OWEN: Oi, Tea-Boy! I may be dead but I’ll end you.

IANTO: With what, Man of Glass? Your venomous tongue or rapier wit? I’ll take my chances.
IANTO: *poke-poke*

GWEN: Did you just poke Owen?

IANTO: Yup! ; )

OWEN: It is so on!

IANTO: Wait, was that the rapier wit or the venomous tongue? I just want to make sure I don’t miss it.

GWEN: Jack, stop them!

OWEN: Your mum enjoyed my venomous tongue last night!

IANTO: Seems to be the only part of you that works.

GWEN: OWEN! IANTO!!!
GWEN: Jack, make them stop!

IANTO: Where is Jack?

OWEN: brb
OWEN: He’s not in his office, Autopsy Bay or Hothouse.

GWEN: I’ll check the Conference Room and Showers.

IANTO: I’ll look around down here in the Archives.

OWEN: Oh for Chrissake! Where the hell is he?

GWEN: I swear, if he got out I’ll kill him.
GWEN: Again and again…

TOSHIKO has entered the conversation.

TOSHIKO: I’m going to castrate the person (Owen) who was recording me sleep!

OWEN: How did you know?

TOSHIKO: I listened to the recording. Your snickering gave you away.

OWEN: BULLOCKS!!

GWEN: Where is Ianto? He’s gone quiet.

OWEN: I’ll check CCTV.
OWEN: I believe he found Jack.
OWEN: …And now I need brain bleach.

GWEN: Sometimes I really hate this place.

DAY ONE
(7:23 pm)

[/b]

GWEN has entered the conversation.

GWEN: Where is everyone?

IANTO: Archives!

TOSHIKO: Archives!

JACK: Office!

OWEN: Loo!

GWEN: Loo?
GWEN: You’re dead.

OWEN: While I appreciate your need to remind me of my mortality at every turn, it isn’t necessary.
OWEN: I was brushing my teeth. I may not eat but I still need to maintain the pearly whites.

IANTO: Still no word from Martha, Jack?

JACK: Nope.

OWEN: GAH!

TOSHIKO: I really want to go home.

JACK: We all do, Tosh.

GWEN: I want Rhys!

JACK: *eyebrows raised* Anything I can help you with?

TOSHIKO:

GWEN: No, thank you. Wouldn’t want Ianto to feel left out.

IANTO: Who says I’d be left out?

OWEN: I HATE BEING DEAD!

GWEN: HAHAHA…no!

TOSHIKO: No sex in the Hub during lockdown.

IANTO: I believe that is actually no sex in the Champagne Room and…who the hell came up with the Hub rule?

TOSHIKO: I did
TOSHIKO: Just now.
TOSHIKO: Some of us have morals.
TOSHIKO: *glares at Jack*

JACK: That’s a lie!

GWEN: What is? Your lack of morals?

JACK: No. There is sex in th Champagne Room.
JACK: Now, THAT was a night.

IANTO: Don’t really care to know.

OWEN: Brain Bleach for everyone!!!

GWEN: YAY, Owen!

TOSHIKO: Anyway…
TOSHIKO: Why are you in the Archives, Tosh?
TOSHIKO: I’ll tell you…
TOSHIKO: I was brilliantly looking for tech that will get us out of here.

JACK: Any luck with that?

TOSHIKO: No! GRRRR!

IANTO: It was a valiant attempt, though.

GWEN: It beat Owen’s screaming at the cog door to ‘open the fuck up you metal piece of shit!’

IANTO: Yes, because screaming at inanimate objects is best left to Jack.

JACK: Hey! That box refused to open for me and I’m brilliant with boxes.

OWEN: You are a sad man, Jack Harkness.

JACK: Hey, who do you think taught Houdini all his tricks?

GWEN: Tell me Houdini was an alien!

JACK: Nah, just REALLY flexible!

OWEN: BRAIN BLEACH!

GWEN has left the conversation.
IANTO has left the conversation.
TOSHIKO has left the conversation.
OWEN has left the conversation.

JACK: You people have no sense of humour.

DAY ONE
(11:46 pm)

[/center]

IANTO has entered the conversation.

IANTO: Anyone still awake? I can’t sleep.

OWEN: I never sleep.

JACK: Ditto.
JACK: Unless Ianto is with me.

OWEN: TMI

GWEN: I’m still trying to get the image of Jack out of my brain.

TOSHIKO: Worst game of charades, ever!

JACK: I thought it was a brilliant rendition of Brokeback Mountain.

OWEN: Wait! Ianto, why aren’t you and Jack shagging like rabbits?

IANTO: Tosh : (

JACK: Tosh >: (

TOSHIKO: O: )

OWEN:

GWEN: She is making Ianto buck with her to keep an eye on him.

JACK: *eyebrows raised* Yeah? Maybe I should join you.

TOSHIKO: Lech! No!
TOSHIKO: No sex in the Hub during lockdown!

JACK: Why not bunk with Gwen?
JACK: Cus, I sleep so much better with Ianto.

OWEN: …after you’ve shagged like rabbits.

JACK: You’re al jealous.

GWEN: M’not!

TOSHIKO: As if!

OWEN: I’m jealous of ALL physical contact.
OWEN: I even miss Gwen’s hugs.

GWEN: Really? Because when I tried to hug you during the charades game you glared at me.

OWEN: Well…I miss them in the abstract sense. I still hate hugging.

JACK: I know. Gwen and Tosh should make-out in front of Owen.

IANTO: How will that help?

OWEN: Oi!

GWEN: Really?

TOSHIKO: Give me a break, Jack.

JACK: Ah! But not one of you said no.

IANTO: We’ve been in lockdown for just over twelve hours and the insanity and depravity have already set in.

TOSHIKO: They were already depraved. It’s just more in your face now.

GWEN: Goodnight! I can’t deal with you lot anymore tonight.

GWEN has left the conversation.

OWEN: Wimp!

JACK: Lightweight!

TOSHIKO: Night, all. I have actual work to do in the morning.

TOSHIKO has left the conversation.

JACK: She says that like we’re monkeys throwing poop.

OWEN: You said poop.

IANTO: Night. I’ll sneak up as soon as she passes out.

IANTO has left the conversation.

JACK: YIPPIE!!!

OWEN: I hate being dead.

DAY TWO
(8:45 am)

[/center]

JACK: NEED COFFEE!!!

IANTO: …And a good morning to you too. We have instant only.

GWEN: Good morning, Ianto. NEED COFFEE!!!

IANTO: Instant Only!

OWEN: I’ve broken out the paracetamol. I expect by noon for you to all have blistering headache.

GWEN: Bastard!

OWEN: Mwahahaha! For the first time it doesn’t suck being dead.

TOSHIKO: Go to Hell, Owen!

JACK: Harsh, Tosh!

IANTO: She’s been up since 5am. Caffeine withdrawal has already struck.

GWEN: That sucks!

OWEN: Ouch! Sorry, Tosh.

TOSHIKO: I already hate you all!

OWEN: All our alien tech and we’re still depend on coffee.

JACK: I’d never known anything like the taste of real coffee until I came to Earth the first time.

IANTO: *GASP* You mean we don’t bring coffee with us to space? Coffee ill die?

JACK: Synthetic Replicators are what eventually kill it. I used to hate that crap.

IANTO: I now know my mission in life.

JACK: What’s that?

IANTO: Change history and keep REAL coffee alive.

JACK: You can’t change what is part of history. If coffee lives then no one will invent the greatest drink EVAH!

OWEN: …And what would that be?

JACK: *cue fanfare*
JACK: The Pan-Galactic Gargle-Blaster!!!

OWEN: Really? I don’t think so.
OWEN: I’ve read Douglas Adams.

IANTO: So have I.

JACK: Where do you think he got that from?

GWEN: Douglas Adams is an alien?

JACK: time traveller
JACK: Hitchhikers Guide was semi-autobiographical.

OWEN: *cough*BULLSHIT!!

IANTO: I have to agree with Owen.

GWEN: It’s a sign of the apocalypse! Owen and Ianto are agreeing against Jack.

JACK: Nope! Not Armageddon yet.

OWEN: ARGH! Stop telling us future stuff!

JACK: That wasn’t. This time, at least.

OWEN: I’m going to take a nap!

GWEN: You said last night you didn’t sleep anymore.

OWEN: Fine! I’m going to go lie down and stare at the insides of my eyelids.

JACK: Have fun.
JACK: Ianto, can I see you I my office?
JACK: I want to go over the coffee budget with you.

OWEN: A.K.A. Let’s shag like rabbits!

TOSHIKO: No sex in the Hub during lockdown!

JACK: Who said we were going to have sex?
JACK: I mean, other then Owen ‘Mr. Bitter’ Harper.

TOSHIKO: No one had to say. Coffee budget? Honestly?

IANTO: We have a budget for coffee. We also have a budget for loo roll and Jack’s dry cleaning.

TOSHIKO: Oh.
TOSHIKO: All right then.

IANTO has left the conversation.
JACK has left the conversation

OWEN: I can’t believe you fell for that!

TOSHIKO: I didn’t.
TOSHIKO: I just set the CCTV in his office to record. Later, Gwen and I are gonna enjoy some home movies.

GWEN: I love you, Tosh!

OWEN: You are so very twisted.

TOSHIKO: Why, thank you.

DAY TWO
(12:22 pm)

[/b]

TOSHIKO has entered the conversation.

TOSHIKO: Pteranodon shit in the Rift Manipulator!

JACK: WHAT?

IANTO: Oh, dear.

TOSHIKO: I found out why we are in lockdown. There are traces of Myfanwy’s faeces in the Rift Manipulator. It caused a short!

JACK: Can you fix it?

TOSHIKO: Not while we’re in lockdown.

OWEN: Damn it!

IANTO: Don’t tell Gwen. This could break her.

TOSHIKO: Where is she?

OWEN: Showers.

JACK: Hey! Gotta go. Some of us are actually working.

JACK has left the conversation.

IANTO: He’s going to the showers, isn’t he?

OWEN: Probably.

TOSHIKO: That’s disgusting. Someone should stop him.

IANTO: HA! You’re funny Tosh.

OWEN: You don’t stop Harkness. You just pray he doesn’t take pictures.

TOSHIKO: Oh God! I thought I saw a shadow when I was in there this morning.

IANTO: That’d be Jack.

OWEN: He was perving out on me an hour ago.

TOSHIKO: Doesn’t that upset you, Ianto?

IANTO: Only if he doesn’t share later.
IANTO: You don’t control a man like Jack.
IANTO: You hold on and enjoy the ride.

OWEN: He lurves him.
OWEN: He wants to CP him.
OWEN: He wants to have impossible babies with him.

IANTO: Not impossible!

IANTO has left the conversation.

TOSHIKO: Damnit, Owen!

OWEN: What?

TOSHIKO: Why are you such a shit to him?

OWEN: Tea-Boy? He loves it!

TOSHIKO: Yes, because everyone loves to be taunted mercilessly.

OWEN: Wait! What did he mean ‘not impossible’?
OWEN: Is he saying all that shite Harkness spews is true?

TOSHIKO: I think he was just taking the piss.

OWEN: No. I don’t think so.
OWEN: I have work to do.

TOSHIKO: Owen, don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.

OWEN: Look who’s talking Miss No-Sex-In-The-Hub-During-Lockdown!

GWEN has entered the conversation.

GWEN: Hey guys!

OWEN has left the conversation.

TOSHIKO: Hey, Gwen. Good shower?

GWEN: Good. What’s with Owen?
GWEN: He seems off.

TOSHIKO: He’s on a mission of madness and it won’t end well.

GWEN: I really, REALLY need a coffee. This place has gone bloody insane.

TOSHIKO: I know.
TOSHIKO: The guys aren’t nearly as annoying when properly caffeinated.

GWEN: EXACTLY!

TOSHIKO: You did know Jack was peeping on you in the shower.

GWEN:
GWEN: You’re taking the piss.

TOSHIKO: No, honestly. I’m disgusted by the whole thing.
TOSHIKO: Gwen? Are you still there?

GWEN: I’m going to kill that son of a bitch.

TOSHIKO: Wait! I still have some more CCTV we can watch.
TOSHIKO: This is old footage.
TOSHIKO: You’d be amazed what they can do in a space as small as Ianto’s Tourist Office.

GWEN: I’ll get the popcorn.

GWEN has left the conversation.
TOSHIKO has left the conversation.

DAY TWO
(3:43 pm)

[/b]



OWEN has entered the conversation.

OWEN: Jack!

JACK: Yeah?

OWEN: You lying son of a bitch!

JACK: Yeah?

OWEN: You fucked with your files!

JACK: Yeah?

OWEN: You didn’t once think that it might have been important for me to know a few truths about you?

JACK: Nope.

OWEN: Oi, Harkness! You can get pregnant!
OWEN: In a family way!
OWEN: Knocked up!
OWEN: Up the duff!

JACK: I know what it means and yes.

OWEN: …And you didn’t feel this might be important information for me to have?

JACK: Not really any of your business.

OWEN: With the way you shag?
OWEN: I’m surprised you aren’t carrying Tea-Boy’s sprog already.

JACK: I’ve taken precautions.

OWEN: Really?

JACK: *sigh* You should have come to my office with this but since you are so insistent, I had a surgical implant put in place forever ago. No problems. Haven’t gotten knocked up since.

OWEN: Jack, have you been pregnant before?

JACK: We are not going to discuss this.

OWEN: Fine. I assume Tea-Boy knows.

JACK: Why do you assume?

OWEN: He’s said as much. Oh, tell me you told him, Jack. Even I wouldn’t do such a shitty thing.

JACK: I never told him.

IANTO: I’m an archivist. I do research. It’s what I do.

JACK: Shit!
JACK: Sorry, Ianto.

IANTO: S’ok.

OWEN: No it’s not!
OWEN: How can you forgive something like that so easily?
OWEN: What if the ‘implant’ fails?
OWEN: I’m not trained for a male pregnancy.

JACK: It won’t happen.

GWEN: Damn!

TOSHIKO: I know! Would have been adorable. Jack’s jaw and Ianto’s eyes. What a pretty baby!

GWEN: Exactly! Ianto’s pout and Jack’s grin. Lady killer.

JACK: I SO need to start checking everyone’s status on this damned thing.

IANTO: I knew they were there.

TOSHIKO: Ianto knows everything.

IANTO: Exactly! Thank you, Tosh.

OWEN: You aren’t even pissed at one another?

IANTO: I’m not.

JACK: Nope.

GWEN: They’re so cute.

OWEN: You make me sick, Gwen.

JACK: The only babies we will see around here will be the ones Gwen produces.

GWEN: Right. Assuming I ever get to see Rhys again.

TOSHIKO: Thanks for making a person feel worse about themselves, Jack.

TOSHIKO has left the conversation.

OWEN: You’re an ass, Harkness!

OWEN has left the conversation.

JACK: What did I do?

IANTO: Come down to the Archives and we can practice not making babies.

JACK has left the conversation.

GWEN: You both suck!

IANTO: …And blow!

IANTO has left the conversation.

DAY TWO

[/b]

TOSHIKO has entered the conversation.

GWEN: JACK!

IANTO: JACK! Please!

OWEN: JACK! GAH!

JACK: RIGHT!

TOSHIKO: What are you doing?

IANTO: Playing I Spy. Owen, your turn.

OWEN: I Spy with my cold dead eye something beginning with B.

GWEN: Bottles?

JACK: Braces?

IANTO: Bekaran Scanner?

OWEN: Ianto got it!

IANTO: All right. I spy with my wittle eye something beginning with M.

JACK: ME!

TOSHIKO: Myfanwy?

IANTO: Yes, Tosh! Your turn!

TOSHIKO: I spy with my little eye something beginning with M.

GWEN: Ianto just did Myfanwy.

TOSHIKO: Nope, not her.

IANTO: Mugs?

TOSHIKO: Nope.

JACK: ME!

TOSHIKO: No.

OWEN: Mangoes?

TOSHIKO: Where?

OWEN: I miss mangoes.

JACK: Mainframe?

TOSHIKO: On the nose, Jack! Your turn.

OWEN: NO!

GWEN: Oh crap!

TOSHIKO: What?

JACK: I spy with my sexy blue eye something that begins with J.

IANTO: JACK!

GWEN: JACK!

TOSHIKO: Jack?

OWEN: JERK!

JACK: Everyone wins! Except Owen. He smells.

OWEN: Grow up, Harkness!

JACK: No, really. You smell.
JACK: SHOWER TIME!

TOSHIKO: No Sex in the Hub During Lockdown!!!

JACK: Fine.

IANTO: Still no word from Martha?

JACK: Not a one.

GWEN: Rhys!

IANTO: Still not here.

GWEN: He must be so worried.

JACK: Tell him you were abducted by aliens.

GWEN: HAHAHA…NO!

OWEN: Because locked inside my own secret base sounds so much better.

GWEN: He may demand body scans looking for implants.

OWEN: Well he can try but all he’ll find is the tracker.

GWEN: What tracker?

IANTO: *headdesk*

TOSHIKO: Morons!

OWEN: Jack made me do it!

JACK: LIAR!!

OWEN: OI!

IANTO: Gwen, when you were looking into things that made Jack uncomfortable, he wanted to keep better tabs on you.

TOSHIKO: You are all so very wrong.

GWEN: WHAT?
GWEN: But when? I don’t remember being bagged and tagged.

OWEN: You fell asleep at your desk.
OWEN: I moved your hair and put it in your neck.
OWEN: Quite simple, actually.

TOSHIKO: Ridiculous.

GWEN: Oh, God! I feel it! I’m coming down now! I want this gone!

GWEN has left the conversation.

TOSHIKO: You’re all asses! There is no tracker. If she had one it would set of the alarms every time she came into the Hub.

JACK: I know. But won’t it be funny to see Gwen flip out on Owen for a while?

TOSHIKO: You’re an evil man, Jack.

JACK: Mwahahaha!!!

IANTO: Doctor Evil? She’s heading to your office.

JACK: SHIT!

JACK has left the conversation.

DAY THREE
(10:22 am)

[/b]

JACK has entered the conversation.

IANTO: Everybody SHUSH!
IANTO: Don’tw ant jack to see usss.

GWEN: kkk

OWEN: Idiots!

TOSHIKO: Jacks here? Where?

JACK: What’s going on? Where are you guys?

IANTO: Wer e hiding in the archives. We dontw ant jack to known were pissed.shhhhh!

OWEN: Brilliant, Jones! You gave away our location.

IANTO: No I didn’t
IANTO: Gwen did

GWEN: Sorry didn’t mean to

TOSHIKO: tee hee

OWEN: Tosh is a shit drunk.
OWEN: Ianto is a crazy drunk.
OWEN: Gwen is a silly drunk.
OWEN: God! I wish I could get drunk!

TOSHIKO: teehee

JACK: Why didn’t you invite me? : (

OWEN: Ianto, the brain-trust, thought you’d be mad.

JACK: We’ve been locked in the Hub for three days. We’re out of coffee and almost out of food. Martha won’t be here for another 10 hours and he thought I’d be mad?

OWEN: That and he was afraid you’d incite n orgy.

JACK: Ah, good point.
JACK: They’ve gone quiet. What are they doing now?

OWEN: Really, Jack, you don’t want to know. Besides, Ianto won’t let me tell.

JACK: You’re taking orders from a drunken Ianto?

OWEN: No. I’m taking orders from the man that made me clean pterodactyl shit.

TOSHIKO: pteranodon

GWEN: He shot you, too.
GWEN: Don’t forget that

OWEN: He won’t let me.
OWEN: Oh fuck it! Save me, Harkness!

JACK: Only if you tell me what they’re doing!
JACK: …And are you taking pictures?

OWEN: Navel shots.
OWEN: …And yes.

JACK has left the conversation.

IANTO: Thank God! I was about to go mad from the poor grammar I was forced to use.
IANTO: Thanks, Owen. That’ll keep him busy for a long time. He always gets lost in the Archives.

OWEN: You’re devious, Jones.

GWEN: I’m a silly drunk?

TOSHIKO: At least you aren’t a shit drunk.

OWEN: I was just getting into character.

IANTO: Okay, he’s down in the Archives. Everyone to the showers.

GWEN: It’ll be brilliant to get clean without getting watched and groped.

TOSHIKO: Amen!

OWEN: I hate being dead.

DAY THREE
(12:02 pm)

[/b]

JACK has entered the conversation.

JACK: Okay. I’ll pretend the Non-Existent Drunken Archive Incident never happened and we’ll never speak of it again.
JACK: I should have known. Tosh would never have agreed to get drunk like that.

TOSHIKO: You assume.

GWEN: Want some lotion for that burn?

OWEN: Lame!

JACK: Fine. Tosh would have gone for it.
JACK: Anyway, Martha called. She’ll be here within the hour.

OWEN: Wait. Called? I thought all phones were dead.

JACK: All but the one Ianto had rigged to the Water Tower.

GWEN: We had a phone line all this time? I could have called Rhys!

JACK: I called him.

GWEN: Oh?
GWEN: Thanks. I think.
GWEN: Was he worried?

JACK: Well, after he stopped screaming at me he began to laugh.
JACK: He made me promise you wouldn’t come home pregnant.

OWEN: LMFAO!!!

GWEN: Not funny, Owen! He did not!

JACK: He did.

GWEN: You bastard!

GWEN has left the conversation.

JACK: Where is she going?

TOSHIKO: I believe, your office.

JACK has left the conversation.

OWEN: Tosh?

TOSHIKO: Yes?

OWEN: Are you recording this?

TOSHIKO: Always.

DAY THREE
(5:17 pm)

[/b]

MARTHA has entered the conversation.

JACK: Helloooooo, Nightingale!

MARTHA: How’s the jaw, Jack?

JACK: Sore.
JACK: I always forget about Gwen’s wicked right hook.

MARTHA: You deserved that.

JACK: Yes, I know.

MARTHA: Did you really do it on purpose?

JACK: Every Torchwood team goes through it.
JACK: It’s tradition.

MARTHA: Like hazing?

JACK: Exactly.

MARTHA: Have they forgiven you yet?

JACK: Nope.

MARTHA: Not even Ianto?

JACK: Especially not Ianto. He said things would have gone smoother if I’d waited a day or two for the coffee to be restocked.

MARTHA: You should have.

JACK: Well, like most things involving Torchwood, you don’t always get a choice.

MARTHA: At least Rhys knew. That wouldn’t have been fair to him if he hadn’t known.

JACK: I’m not completely heartless.

MARTHA: What are you going to do withal those sexual harassment charges?

JACK: Ianto will take care of them after he forgives me.

MARTHA: Do you think he ever will?

JACK: He may after I give him my little surprise.

MARTHA: Yeah, the UNIT uniform should be there sometime today.

JACK: I love you!

MARTHA: I know you do.

MARTHA has left the conversation.



This concludes the transcripts that we are in possession of. Investigators at U.N.I.T. feel that this matter needs to be addressed. It concerns us that if a powerful entity such as Torchwood Three could be compromised in such a way; what hope do we have as an organization.

Paul Fenderstaff
Intelligence Research Department



JACK: That’s the whole file?

IANTO: Yes, sir.

JACK: Good. You know what to do, Ianto.

IANTO: Yes, sir.

JACK: My office in ten?

IANTO: Ten and counting. ; )

JACK has left the conversation



/DOCUMENT DELETED

[Elizabeth Wright]

hehehehe